I will from time to time be posting things that I find from my old blog, from the Internet Wayback Search Engine. This post below is from 2007, when I lost a child through miscarriage.
“Today, I went to the doctor to get my ultrasound made… I had planned to tell my children about the baby after getting the pictures. I was getting so excited about it!
I drove to my moms and dropped the kids off, then went to the doctor, and waited my turn. Then I got the ultrasound done.
I noticed something strange while I was there…the nurse looked kind of worried and she kept looking around for a lot longer than I’m used to for this stage of pregnancy. (I’m only about 8-10 weeks). She then said, “I can’t seem to find a heartbeat.”
I didn’t think much about it at first, because that has happened before, and it was always a false alarm. So I figured that the ultrasound just wasn’t able to pick it up, maybe the placenta was in the way, etc. Whatever the case was, I wasn’t worried…I just knew my baby was safe and sound. I’ve never had a problem before.
The lady who did the ultrasound took about 25 pictures …I was surprised to see so many coming out of the machine, and commented about it….she replied that at this point in pregnancy, they usually take a lot, so they can check the ovaries and stuff. I was satisfied with that, and thought nothing more of it. Then she said that she’d like me to see the doctor that was on call that day, since my doctor was not in. I said ok, and waited in the waiting room with a magazine for a while.
Then, in came the new doctor. She asked me how I was doing, shook my hand, and then told me that she was sorry to have to be the one to tell me this, but my baby’s brain was not developing normally. At this point, I thought, ok , so my baby might have a disability. That was not a problem for me. The thought of anything worse had not occured to me.
Then she continued, and said that my baby did not have a heartbeat, and had unfortunately passed away…..
She made sure to make it clear that my baby was not alive anymore, and had already passed on in my womb. She apologized for having to tell me a second time for having to be the one to “break the news”. I stood there just looking at her, not really comprehending what she had said. I mean, this couldn’t be happening. Not to me. I hadn’t done anything to cause something like this….or had I? How could this be possible?
I asked her if she was absolutely sure, that there was no possible doubt in her mind…I thought maybe I could change her mind and I wanted to hear her say it was not really the case. She said no, however, and then she went on to tell me that it was probably God’s will, trying to make me feel better.
At that point though, I just didn’t know what to think. I was numb and didn’t know how to react. I just said, thanks, and walked out of the room. I thought I had handled things well, until I kept looking at the ultrasound she handed to me. My mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts. My stomach started to feel like it was in knots.
I handed the papers to the secretary to get my next appointment card. It seemed like it took her forever to get it done. I kept thinking, please hurry, please hurry. I realized if she didn’t hurry up, I was going to break down and cry right there. But the secretary didn’t hurry. Suddenly, my eyes began to well up with tears. The secretary asked me a question as I was turned away from her, and I immediately turned around to answer her question, and when she saw my eyes with tears falling from them, she looked concerned… I couldn’t help or contain it anymore once that happened, and I just started weeping right there. I couldn’t control myself…I tried so hard to hold it in.
There was a lady behind me who saw me crying and immediately put her arm around me and tried to console me…she asked me what was the matter. Trying to tell her what it was was so difficult. I could barely get the words out. I finally managed to choke out, “They told me…my baby…is……dead.” And then I went into another fit of tears. My body was trembling so hard, and I could hear the two ladies feeling sorry for me, and I didn’t want them to feel bad. But I just couldn’t stop crying.
The ladies asked me if there was anyone they could call, or if I would like to talk to anyone. They asked me if I’d like to sit down. I kept trying to tell them I was ok, but I kept choking it out and it sounded so weepy it was too unbelievable to them. They told me to please call someone to take me home, because they didn’t think I needed to drive myself home feeling like that. So I asked them to call James for me. He asked what was the matter, and I couldnt even tell him. My hands were shaking so hard and I managed to bring the words out that I would tell him what was the matter when he got there. It was just too hard to say the words!
It seemed like it took forever for him to get there. I paced around, and hid in the snack room in the hospital, and would start crying, then I’d stop, and then I’d start again, and I’d look at the ultrasound picture, and start crying again. I finally saw him through the window and he came in and I just hugged him really tight and started gasping and crying. He held me and I think he probably knew what was coming, but I finally was able to tell him. We got into the car and shared a few moments hugging and crying together.
James ended up taking off work so that he could be with me today…which I really appreciated. It meant a lot for me that he was there for me. I know that it hurt him a lot too, knowing what had happened. So that is how today has gone. It seems like the last couple of months have had some hardships and this is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to face in a long time. I don’t know when I’ll be delivering the baby. It’ll probably be sometime in the next 4 weeks. I’ll be going to the doctor again tomorrow for a blood test to see when it’ll happen. I’m going to let it happen naturally…no D & C for me…I don’t like the idea at all.
It’s really sad, but I have to remember that God gives and He takes away, according to His wisdom. There’s a purpose for everything, and I know that there is a purpose in this, no matter how hard it may be to see at this time. Just pray for us, that we’ll be able to heal emotionally…and please pray that when the baby does miscarry, that it won’t be too painful.”
Four years after my miscarriages (I had a second miscarriage 3 months later), I compiled a book called Answers in a Time of Miscarriage. I wrote this to help others who have gone through the tragedy of losing a child this way, and have felt lonely in their grief. The book is available on Amazon.comand I also have a free digital PDF at this link.
If you have experienced a loss of a child through miscarriage, what kind of things helped you? What do you wish people would understand about miscarriage?