An unhappy mother wishes she could go back in time and trade her sons life for her pleasure

(Photo courtesy of the Daily Mail)

I was reading an extremely upsetting article the other day. Gillian Relf , a woman aged 69 (who is quickly approaching the day she may need constant attention and support) wishes desperately that she could be free of caring for her son,  who needs special care.

In fact, she is so resentful of having to care for her 47  year old son, Stephen, that she says that she wishes she could turn back time and have him killed.

I don’t wish to sound unsympathetic to what she has been through.  I realize it would be an incredible challenge caring for a child who had Down Syndrome. I can’t even fathom what all she has been through.  I understand that she has to clean the bed sheets every day. I understand that there is constant worry and guilt that she endures on a daily basis. I understand that she feels embarrassed when he acts out in public. I get that.  But since when is life supposed to be free of struggle and challenge? And how is someone’s worth determined by their “normalcy”? And when does love come into the picture?

image courtesy of http://blog.gretchenmather.com/2011/05/17/a-married-couples-life-in-pictures-and-oh-one-more-thing/

Read this quote by Gillian:

“Perhaps you’d expect me to say that, over time, I grew to accept my son’s disability. That now, looking back on that day 47 years later, none of us could imagine life without him, and that I’m grateful I was never given the option to abort.

However, you’d be wrong. Because, while I do love my son, and am fiercely protective of him, I know our lives would have been happier and far less complicated if he had never been born. I do wish I’d had an abortion. I wish it every day.”

Artwork by Amelee-
http://amelee.deviantart.com/art/Abortion-31726670

I think that Gillian is mistaking her (sometimes) fondness for her son, or her having cared for her sons physical needs with the term “love”. To me, this statement above gives the impression that her son is a stray dog. Not a human being with feelings, dignity and worth. It suggests he is disposable.

I think Gillian is wrong when she says that she loves her son -because love is not selfish or rude, it does not seek it’s own.  She may feel fond feelings for him (although, if she does, it’s not apparent from her article), but that’s not love. Love is focused on others, not self.

It is fooling herself to say she is fiercely protective of him. How is wishing she could have her son killed the mindset of one who protects him?  (As for protection, I would assert that the biggest threat Stephen needed protection from was his own mother).

Here again from Gillian:

Don’t misunderstand me, we have had some lovely times with Stephen. Like when we took him to Disney World in Florida ten years ago.
He loved the rides – his favourite was Dumbo the Flying Elephant – although poor Roy had to accompany him on every single one.

Poor Roy.  That speaks volumes, doesn’t it?

“But I’d challenge any one of them to walk a mile in the shoes of mothers like me, saddled for life as I am, with a needy, difficult, exasperating child who will never grow up, before they judge us,” she says.

“They should experience how it feels to parent a grown man, who is no more able to care for himself than a toddler – and at a time of life when your children should, all things being equal, be taking care of you.”

The idea that one must have experienced what you’re going through in order to have the right to judge or discern right from wrong is a huge logical fallacy. Imagine applying that logic to animal abuse. Someone could say, “until you’ve walked in my shoes, seen what this miserable mutt has put me through, you have no right to say that I was wrong to beat my dog.” That excuse obviously doesn’t work because we do not have to experience the owners life in order to say “animal abuse is wrong”. And in like manner, one doesn’t have to go through this woman’s struggle to know that wishing your child dead is wrong.

Let’s just put that aside for a moment though… there are multitudes of people who have gone through this very thing Gillian has, and the idea of losing their child, or even of abortion is absolutely detestable to them! The difference is their attitude!

Gillian’s attitude is one that is very dominant in today’s society – self-centeredness. She is eaten up with her bitterness, dwelling on what she imagines  her life could have been without Stephen. In doing so, she has completely dismissed him as a human being, and I assert she has never really lived at all (and that’s not his fault).

Instead of accepting her son for who he is, she has spent the better part of 47 years wishing she had a different life! What a waste!  Just imagine how different her life could have been if she had embraced her son wholeheartedly.  She could have been sharing a very different story today.  She could be living a fulfilling, happy, and thankful life with her son- THROUGH the struggles. She could have found things to be grateful for. Her son would have happily reciprocated her love.  Instead, her character has been exposed as being cold, uncaring, and narcissistic….and unhappy! Now that’s not inspiring at all.

Let me also mention that in the article Gillian explains that she had Stephen put in a boarding school at the age of 13, and since then has only had to visit him and have him over on the weekends. (For all the complaining Gillian does, you would think she was his 24/7 caregiver. But she’s not).

She also wrote that sometimes he refuses to come with them… Is it any wonder?

Gillian’s article incredibly ends with a plea to other mothers to kill their own children who might have Down syndrome, before it’s too late to do so (just spreading the love!):

“Years ago, I was so worried about history repeating itself that Andrew, Roy and I went for genetic counselling at Guy’s Hospital in London and found Stephen was just ‘bad luck’. I say ‘bad luck’, but that’s the greatest understatement that anyone can imagine.

And so I appeal to every mother-to-be out there, facing the knowledge that they may bring a child like Stephen into this world. Read my story and do what is right for you and your family.

I sure would hate to be in Stephens position. I sure wouldn’t appreciate knowing that my mother thinks I am “worse than bad luck”, for something I had absolutely no control over…or knowing that my mom hopes others will kill their children because they will be like me (granted, he may never know that particular thing…but I guarantee he is aware of her attitude toward him).

I hope that one day Gillian will see what a blessing Stephen really is. No, he will never be able to care for her in her old age. No, he will likely never be married, and no, he will never have a life that she deems normal. But I pray that one day she sees through that to see his heart, and to love him for who he is…to see what a wonderful person lies beneath the skin.

I  wish I could tell Stephen, “Your value is not a result of anything you do. You are a precious human being because you were made in the image of God. Your thoughts, feelings, and everything about him are valid, and your life is worth so much more than you could ever know. Don’t listen to the negative things that people might say about you. They simply do not have the understanding to see you for what you truly are. You are loved.” I would love to hug him. Maybe someone who is present in his daily life tells him this through their actions each day. I truly hope so.

Read the whole article here.

What are your thoughts? Do you have experience with a child with Down Syndrome, or know someone else who does? What have your experiences been? Do you have anything you would like to add or express?

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Here are some videos that I would like to share, regarding people with Down syndrome. I hope they will be food for thought.

http://youtu.be/oc_K9c24R5o
WWYD Employee With Down Syndrome Insulted By Customers

Dear Future Mom

 

What do you think about this cover for my book, Precious Infants?

I’m really getting excited as my book, “Precious Infants“, (A book about premature birth) comes closer to being a reality!

My sister, Jennifer, (who is very talented with graphic design) has designed a cover for my book about premature infants, and I just wanted to get some feedback. I really like the colors she chose.  What do you think? Would it grab your attention if you saw it at the bookstore?

Click image to enlarge

Here is an article explaining how I got started with the idea:

Click image to enlarge

Precious Infants will contain over 100 portraits of the premature babies that I drew with pencil. Most portraits will be accompanied with a story written by the parents, highlighting their experiences.

My hopes for this book are that it:

1.) Brings awareness to premature birth and all of the hardships that preemies (and their parents) face.

2.) Shows how valuable and precious babies are, even at such an early stage of life.

4.) Brings hope and encouragement to other parents who are going through time with their little one in the NICU, with no idea of what to expect.

5.) Provides comfort to those who have lost a child due to prematurity. There will be a few stories of loss in the book as well.

6.) Provides resources where parents can find more information and become involved in the communities around them that have faced similar experiences.

The book will be 8.5 x 8.5 inches in size (I really thought it would be interesting and unique to have it shaped in a square rather than the basic shape that you usually see). It will be self-published, and is going to cost quite a bit for me to do, so I am hoping to save the money I need for the book by the time it’s complete (my goal is that the book will be finished by spring next year).

What do you think? Would you be interested in the book?  Is there anything you think I might need to add to the book? And what do you think of the cover?

When Precious Infants is published, I am sure I will be doing a few giveaways, so be sure to stick around!

I never thought this would happen to me (repost of blog from 2007)

This beautifully moving sculpture was designed by artist Martin Hudáček from Slovakia in memorial of unborn children who have passed away.

I will from time to time be posting things that I find from my old blog, from the Internet Wayback Search Engine.  This post below is from 2007, when I lost a child through miscarriage.

“Today, I went to the doctor to get my ultrasound made… I had planned to tell my children about the baby after getting the pictures.  I was getting so excited about it!
I drove to my moms and dropped the kids off, then went to the doctor, and waited my turn.  Then I got the ultrasound done.

I noticed something strange while I was there…the nurse looked kind of worried and she kept looking around for a lot longer than I’m used to for this stage of pregnancy. (I’m only about 8-10 weeks).    She then said, “I can’t seem to find a heartbeat.” 
I didn’t think much about it at first, because that has happened before, and it was always a false alarm.  So I figured that the ultrasound just wasn’t able to pick it up, maybe the placenta was in the way, etc.   Whatever the case was, I wasn’t worried…I just knew my baby was safe and sound.     I’ve never had a problem before.

The lady who did the ultrasound took about 25 pictures …I was surprised to see so many coming out of the machine, and commented about it….she replied that at this point in pregnancy, they usually take a lot, so they can check the ovaries and stuff.  I was satisfied with that, and thought nothing more of it. Then she said that she’d like me to see the doctor that was on call that day, since my doctor was not in.   I  said ok, and waited in the waiting room with a magazine for a while. 

Then, in came the new doctor.  She asked me how I was doing, shook my hand, and then told me that she was sorry to have to be the one to tell me this, but my baby’s brain was not developing normally. At this point, I thought, ok , so my baby might have a disability. That was not a problem for me.  The thought of anything worse had not occured to me.

Then she continued, and said that my baby did not have a heartbeat, and had unfortunately passed away…..

She made sure to make it clear that my baby was not alive anymore, and had already passed on in my womb.  She apologized for having to tell me a second time for having to be the one to “break the news”.  I stood there just looking at her, not really comprehending what she had said.  I mean, this couldn’t be happening.  Not to me.  I hadn’t done anything to cause something like this….or had I?   How could this be possible?  

I asked her if she was absolutely sure, that there was no possible doubt in her mind…I thought maybe I could change her mind and I wanted to hear her say it was not really the case. She said no, however, and then she went on to tell me that it was probably God’s will, trying to make me feel better.

 At that point though, I just didn’t know what to think.  I was numb and didn’t know how to react.  I just said, thanks, and walked out of the room.  I thought I had handled things well, until I kept looking at the ultrasound she handed to me.  My mind was racing with all kinds of thoughts. My stomach started to feel like it was in knots.  

I handed the papers to the secretary to get my next appointment card.  It seemed like it took her forever to get it done.  I kept thinking, please  hurry, please hurry.   I realized if she didn’t hurry up, I was going to break down and cry right there.  But the secretary didn’t hurry.  Suddenly, my eyes began to well up with tears.  The secretary asked me a question as I was turned away from her, and I immediately turned around to answer her question, and when she saw my eyes with tears falling from them,  she looked concerned… I couldn’t help or contain it anymore once that happened, and I just started weeping right there. I couldn’t control myself…I tried so hard to hold it in.

There was a lady behind me who saw me crying and immediately put her arm around me and tried to console me…she asked me what was the matter.  Trying to tell her what it was was so difficult. I could barely get the words out. I finally managed to choke out, “They told me…my baby…is……dead.”  And then I went into another fit of tears.  My body was trembling so hard, and I could hear the two ladies feeling sorry for me, and I didn’t want them to feel bad.  But I just couldn’t stop crying.

The ladies asked me if there was anyone they could call, or if I would like to talk to anyone.  They asked me if I’d like to sit down. I kept trying to tell them I was ok, but I kept choking it out and it sounded so weepy it was too unbelievable to them. They told me to please call someone to take me home, because they didn’t think I needed to drive myself home feeling like that.  So I asked them to call James for me.    He asked what was the matter, and I couldnt even tell him. My hands were shaking so hard and I managed to bring the words out that I would tell him what was the matter when he got there. It was just too hard to say the words!

It seemed like it took forever for him to get there.   I paced around, and hid in the snack room in the hospital, and would start crying, then I’d stop, and then I’d start again, and I’d look at the ultrasound picture, and start crying again. I finally saw him through the window and he came in and I just hugged him really tight and started gasping and crying.   He held me and I think he probably knew what was coming, but I finally was able to tell him.  We got into the car and shared a few moments hugging and crying together.  

James ended up taking off work so that he could be with me today…which I really appreciated.  It meant a lot for me that he was there for me.    I know that it hurt him a lot too, knowing what had happened.       So that is how today has gone.  It seems like the last couple of months have had some hardships and this is probably the hardest thing I’ve had to face in a long time.  I don’t know when I’ll be delivering the baby.    It’ll probably be sometime in the next 4 weeks.   I’ll be going to the doctor again tomorrow for a blood test to see when it’ll happen.    I’m going to let it happen naturally…no D & C for me…I don’t like the idea at all. 

It’s really sad, but I have to remember that God gives and He takes away, according to His wisdom.   There’s a purpose for everything, and I know that there is a purpose in this, no matter how hard it may be to see at this time.   Just pray for us, that we’ll be able to heal emotionally…and please pray that when the baby does miscarry, that it won’t be too painful.”

Four years after my miscarriages (I had a second miscarriage 3 months later), I compiled a book called Answers in a Time of Miscarriage. I wrote this to help others who have gone through the tragedy of losing a child this way, and have felt lonely in their grief.  The book is available on Amazon.comand I also have a free digital PDF at this link.

If you have experienced a loss of a child through miscarriage, what kind of things helped you?  What do you wish people would understand about miscarriage?

Preemie Portraits for Book- Precious Infants

I have been working on a little project for the last several months (I began in January of this year).  It is going to be a compilation of over 100 pencil drawings of premature infants, for a book which will include a story about each baby pictured.   Here is an article about how I got started with this idea: http://www.preciousinfants.com/article.jpg

I drew 140- 150 portraits in all!   Phew…that was a lot of work, but I feel it will be well worth it when the book is complete.

The name of the book will be “Precious Infants”.  Take a look at some of the portraits that will be inside the book:

Time in the NICU is a very difficult and sometimes traumatic time for the parents, and I think this book could very well be very comforting, because it will share what other people have gone through, and how their babies are doing today.

What do you think about this book idea? Would you possibly be interested in this book?  I am in the compiling stage right now, so if you happen to have any ideas, thoughts, or questions, please let me know in the comments below.